Sections 341-350

{341} HOPE. Many things; as,

1.  If I did but meet a good man in the streets; or,

2.  If I have heard any read in the Bible; or,

3.  If mine head did begin to ache; or,

4.  If I were told that some of my neighbours were sick; or,

5.  If I heard the bell toll for some that were dead; or,

6.  If I thought of dying myself; or,

7.  If I heard that sudden death happened to others;

8.  But especially, when I thought of myself, that I must quickly
come to judgment.

{342} CHR. And could you at any time, with ease, get off the guilt
of sin, when by any of these ways it came upon you?

HOPE. No, not I, for then they got faster hold of my conscience;
and then, if I did but think of going back to sin, (though my mind
was turned against it), it would be double torment to me.

CHR. And how did you do then?

HOPE. I thought I must endeavour to mend my life; for else, thought
I, I am sure to be damned.

{343} CHR. And did you endeavour to mend?

HOPE. Yes; and fled from not only my sins, but sinful company too;
and betook me to religious duties, as prayer, reading, weeping for
sin, speaking truth to my neighbours, &c.  These things did I, with
many others, too much here to relate.

CHR. And did you think yourself well then?

HOPE. Yes, for a while; but at the last, my trouble came tumbling
upon me again, and that over the neck of all my reformations.

{344} CHR. How came that about, since you were now reformed?

HOPE. There were several things brought it upon me, especially such
sayings as these:  “All our righteousnesses are as filthy rags.”
[Isa.  64:6] “By the works of the law shall no flesh be justified.”
[Gal.  2:16] “When ye shall have done all those things, say, We are
unprofitable”, [Luke 17:10] with many more such like.  From whence
I began to reason with myself thus:  If ALL my righteousnesses are
filthy rags; if, by the deeds of the law, NO man can be justified;
and if, when we have done ALL, we are yet unprofitable, then it
is but a folly to think of heaven by the law.  I further thought
thus:  If a man runs a hundred pounds into the shopkeeper’s debt,
and after that shall pay for all that he shall fetch; yet, if this
old debt stands still in the book uncrossed, for that the shopkeeper
may sue him, and cast him into prison till he shall pay the debt.

CHR. Well, and how did you apply this to yourself?

HOPE. Why; I thought thus with myself.  I have, by my sins, run a
great way into God’s book, and that my now reforming will not pay
off that score; therefore I should think still, under all my present
amendments, But how shall I be freed from that damnation that I
have brought myself in danger of by my former transgressions?

{345} CHR. A very good application:  but, pray, go on.

HOPE. Another thing that hath troubled me, even since my late
amendments, is, that if I look narrowly into the best of what I do
now, I still see sin, new sin, mixing itself with the best of that
I do; so that now I am forced to conclude, that notwithstanding
my former fond conceits of myself and duties, I have committed sin
enough in one duty to send me to hell, though my former life had
been faultless.

CHR. And what did you do then?

{346} HOPE. Do!  I could not tell what to do, until I brake my
mind to Faithful, for he and I were well acquainted.  And he told
me, that unless I could obtain the righteousness of a man that
never had sinned, neither mine own, nor all the righteousness of
the world could save me.

CHR. And did you think he spake true?

HOPE. Had he told me so when I was pleased and satisfied with mine
own amendment, I had called him fool for his pains; but now, since
I see mine own infirmity, and the sin that cleaves to my best
performance, I have been forced to be of his opinion.

{347} CHR. But did you think, when at first he suggested it to you,
that there was such a man to be found, of whom it might justly be
said that he never committed sin?

HOPE. I must confess the words at first sounded strangely, but
after a little more talk and company with him, I had full conviction
about it.

CHR. And did you ask him what man this was, and how you must be
justified by him?

HOPE. Yes, and he told me it was the Lord Jesus, that dwelleth on
the right hand of the Most High.  And thus, said he, you must be
justified by him, even by trusting to what he hath done by himself,
in the days of his flesh, and suffered when he did hang on the
tree.  I asked him further, how that man’s righteousness could be
of that efficacy to justify another before God?  And he told me he
was the mighty God, and did what he did, and died the death also,
not for himself, but for me; to whom his doings, and the worthiness
of them, should be imputed, if I believed on him.  [Heb.  10,
Rom.  6, Col.  1, 1 Pet.  1]

{348} CHR. And what did you do then?

HOPE. I made my objections against my believing, for that I thought
he was not willing to save me.

CHR. And what said Faithful to you then?

HOPE. He bid me go to him and see.  Then I said it was presumption;
but he said, No, for I was invited to come.  [Matt.  11:28] Then
he gave me a book of Jesus, his inditing, to encourage me the more
freely to come; and he said, concerning that book, that every jot
and tittle thereof stood firmer than heaven and earth.  [Matt.
24:35] Then I asked him, What I must do when I came; and he told
me, I must entreat upon my knees, with all my heart and soul, the
Father to reveal him to me.  [Ps.  95:6, Dan.  6:10, Jer.  29:12,13]
Then I asked him further, how I must make my supplication to him?
And he said, Go, and thou shalt find him upon a mercy-seat, where
he sits all the year long, to give pardon and forgiveness to them
that come.  I told him that I knew not what to say when I came.
And he bid me say to this effect:  God be merciful to me a sinner,
and make me to know and believe in Jesus Christ; for I see, that
if his righteousness had not been, or I have not faith in that
righteousness, I am utterly cast away.  Lord, I have heard that thou
art a merciful God, and hast ordained that thy Son Jesus Christ
should be the Saviour of the world; and moreover, that thou art
willing to bestow him upon such a poor sinner as I am, (and I am a
sinner indeed); Lord, take therefore this opportunity and magnify
thy grace in the salvation of my soul, through thy Son Jesus Christ.
Amen.  [Exo.  25:22, Lev.  16:2, Num.  7:89, Heb.  4:16]

{349} CHR. And did you do as you were bidden?

HOPE. Yes; over, and over, and over.

CHR. And did the Father reveal his Son to you?

HOPE. Not at the first, nor second, nor third, nor fourth, nor
fifth; no, nor at the sixth time neither.

CHR. What did you do then?

HOPE. What!  why I could not tell what to do.

CHR. Had you not thoughts of leaving off praying?

HOPE. Yes; an hundred times twice told.

CHR. And what was the reason you did not?

HOPE. I believed that that was true which had been told me, to
wit, that without the righteousness of this Christ, all the world
could not save me; and therefore, thought I with myself, if I leave
off I die, and I can but die at the throne of grace.  And withal,
this came into my mind, “Though it tarry, wait for it; because it
will surely come, it will not tarry.”  [Heb.  2:3] So I continued
praying until the Father showed me his Son.

{350} CHR. And how was he revealed unto you?

HOPE. I did not see him with my bodily eyes, but with the eyes of
my understanding; [Eph.  1:18,19] and thus it was:  One day I was
very sad, I think sadder than at any one time in my life, and this
sadness was through a fresh sight of the greatness and vileness of
my sins.  And as I was then looking for nothing but hell, and the
everlasting damnation of my soul, suddenly, as I thought, I saw
the Lord Jesus Christ look down from heaven upon me, and saying,
“Believe on the Lord Jesus Christ, and thou shalt be saved.”  [Acts
16:30,31]